Enough is Enough: The start of change

Today has been a rough day, so I’ve decided to sit and gripe about it on the internet hoping to either reach someone who feels the same way or in the future to be able to look back on this time and smile cause it’s past me.

Found this on Women's Studies 240 group 

I have never been a person who has been in great shape. When I was “skinny” it was before puberty and ever since the boobies started showing my whole body started growing, except well my height cause I’ve been 5’2.5 since I was like 13… I’ve struggled with body image for as long as I can remember, sometimes it’s easier than others and right now I’m feel pretty terrible about myself and the way I look.

I want to start by holding myself accountable for the poor choices I make when I get hungry, or sad or bored or annoyed or anxious. I do eat “bad food” I don’t usually eat bad food constantly and even when I am on a heath kick I still manage to gain weight. I have been going to the gym more and doing more than cardio because I heard that helps. Now I don’t go that often, maybe like 2x a week. I really struggle with motivation when I still feel like a whale regardless of how hard I am trying.

Yesterday I bought Chinese food for dinner I only had a plate and I don’t see what’s so wrong about that. I don’t want to live my life on a diet.  But to feel comfortable in my own skin I’m starting to think I have to.

My mom has suggested seeing a doctor, maybe it is a thyroid problem and I am gaining weight because something is wrong. I also know water weight is a thing.  And I am a very dehydrated person so maybe my body really does hold in a lot of water and make me feel bloated. I honestly don’t know, I just feel hopeless.

Some days I feel like after I’ve worked out I feel “tighter” I feel like I’m making progress but on the scale I am heavier. It’s starting to scare me because I’m seeing numbers that horrify me. Maybe the scale is wrong and it’s gotten to my head. I know I’m not as fit as I should be so I am still going to work out. And once all the Chinese and junk is out of my house I’ll go to the store and buy a week’s worth of food, from frozen diet meals ( I know they contain a lot of sodium, so I promise to really up my water intake) to prepped dinners so I can’t just order out because “I have nothing to eat” I think convenience is a huge thing for me and dinner has been very inconvenient for me, which leads me to eating badly and at a time when I don’t know what’s wrong with my body I want to rule out bad diet being the reason why I can’t lose weight.

I feel like I should be honest with what I’ve eaten in a day and that will help hold me accountable for making a huge change and eating much better. I'm hoping that REALLLY changing my food intake will either help me lose weight or will rule out a poor diet being the reason I’m gaining.

I really just needed to moan, I know if I want to change I have to give it my all and not make any excuses but it’s easier said than done but I take control of my happiness regarding my body. Even if there are days I don’t eat as cleanly as I should. I’ll work out extra hard. This cycle unhappiness has to end and this post is the first step for me.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Until next time,

Bexs

What I Learned My First Week of Vlogging

I've done it! I picked up a camera, and started talk to in showing bits of my life to the world. Honestly I did it for me. I have been feeling creatively trapped lately, I have loads of drafted blog posts but none I've felt worthy enough to post. I've been feeling like my life was really boring and nothing ever happened, which isn't entirely false but I wanted to start filming bits of my day to day life to remember that I do things, they just might not seem so important right now. Who knows in a few years time I might be able to look back on these moments and smile. But enough rambling you came here to know what I've learned... Well here it is.

I learned;

1. Cameras are heavy! Holding a camera up and just heaving a chat is hard work.
2. Talking is hard. Sometimes you just have nothing to say or the words don't come out like you wanted them to. That's the beauty of editing.
3.Filming little moments of happiness make you realize your life isn't so mundane, for example, I went to the driving range yesterday with my boyfriend and his friend, while I was horrible at it and couldn't hit the golf ball to save my life, I still had fun watching them and it was nice to be off work and outside even if it was too cold for April.
4. I've got to do more after I get off of work. Granted this week I worked until 8 p.m. most nights I still need to make the most of my free time. I will have more to look back on if I get out there and live life.
and last but not least 5. I need to pick up my camera more. Somedays I didn't even vlog which is a huge problem if I ever decided to be a daily vlogger. I want to film almost everything I do so I can remember it in years to come and I'll certainly be working on that in the coming weeks.

I'm sure I have most lessons to learn when it comes to vlogging, and I am excited to learn them and get better at this whole thing.

Hope you will take this journey with me! Watch my first vlog here and leave me some tips if you have any and I'll catch up with you all soon!

Until next time,
Bexs